A Devastated Stephen Colbert Sings Farewell To The Mooch



WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I NEED THAT LOVE AND ENERGY
BECAUSE I COME TO YOU TONIGHT A BROKEN MAN. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE, THIS AFTERNOON, I WAS SHOCKED BY THIS BREAKING NOOCH:
>> THE MOOCH IS OUT. >> ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, GONE
AFTER JUST A WEEK AND CHANGE ON THE JOB! >> THE MOOCH IS TOAST! >> STEPHEN: YES, THE MOOCH IS
TOAST. THE FRONT-STABBER HAS BEEN
BACK-STABBED. ( LAUGHTER )
HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO FIRE EVERYBODY, AND YOU GOT TO ADMIT,
HE DELIVERED. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S THOROUGH! ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS THOROUGH! ( LAUGHTER )
THE MOOCH LASTED AS COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR FOR ONLY
TEN DAYS. ( LAUGHTER )
YES, TEN DAYS! THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE WHOLE PAY
PERIOD. ( LAUGHTER )
HIS GOING AWAY PARTY CAN SERVE WHAT'S LEFT OF HIS WELCOME CAKE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "OUT
WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW, OUT WITH THE NEW!"
THE ADMINISTRATION WANTED TO REPLACE HIM WITH SOMEBODY WHO
WILL LAST LONGER, SO TODAY THEY ANNOUNCED NEW WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR EMMANUEL FRUIT FLY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) JUST LIKE THAT. HE'S GONE. ( APPLAUSE )
I WAS IN MY DRESSING ROOM TYING MY TIE, I HAD CNN IN THE
BACKGROUND WITH THE MUTE ON. >> Jon: RIGHT. >> Stephen: AND I'M READING
THE LOWER THIRD ON SCREEN BACKWARDS AND I'M, LIKE, THAT
CAN'T BE WHAT IT SAYS… ( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN. ON FRIDAY, TRUMP HIRED NEW WHITE
HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND GRANDPA WHO DOESN'T "DO HUGS," GENERAL
JOHN KELLY. ( LAUGHTER )
NO SURPRISE TRUMP PICKED A GENERAL. ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, "THE
KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT TRUMP PARTICULARLY LIKES ARE PEOPLE
WITH BUCKS, MONEY AND BRAIDS– THE MILITARY." YES, HE LIKES PEOPLE WITH BUCKS
AND BRAIDS. SO, IF KELLY DOESN'T WORK OUT,
CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR NEXT CHIEF OF STAFF, SPARKLE THE SHOW
PONY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) VERY STRONG. VERY STRONG. OF COURSE, KELLY'S REPLACING
FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF, REINCE PRIEBUS, SHOWN HERE SEEING IT
COMING. ( LAUGHTER )
KELLY IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF REINCE PRIEBUS. KELLY IS MILITARY. PRIEBUS WAS A WASHINGTON
INSIDER. KELLY'S FROM BOSTON, PRIEBUS IS
FROM WISCONSIN. JOHN KELLY HAS TWO FIRST NAMES,
AND REINCE PRIEBUS HAS NO RECOGNIZABLE NAMES. ( LAUGHTER )
AND ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE SOURCES, KELLY LET THE MOOCH GO
BECAUSE HE WANTED "MORE STRUCTURE, LESS OF 'GAME OF
THRONES'." ( LAUGHTER )
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A FAIR
COMPARISON. WITH "GAME OF THRONES," YOU HAVE
TO WAIT A WHOLE WEEK FOR A NEW BEHEADING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, AT, "GAME OF THRONES"! VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW
SEASON. KEEP THIS IN MIND —
AT 8:30 A.M. THIS MORNING, TRUMP TWEETED THAT THERE WAS NO WHITE
HOUSE CHAOS! ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN, SIX HOURS LATER, SCARAMUCCI WAS OUT. EVIDENTLY "NO CHAOS" WASN'T
BRAGGING, IT WAS COMPLAINING. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IN THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING TODAY, SARAH HUCKABEE
SANDERS SPOKE FOR MANY AMERICANS. >> WHAT'S HAPPENING?! ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SHE LOOKS GOOD. SHE LOOKS GOOD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I LIKE THE OUTFIT, THE MAKEUP'S VERY NICE. SARAH, I DON'T KNOW WHO THE
MAKEUP AND HAIR PEOPLE WERE, BUT LET'S KEEP THOSE GUYS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WHOA! >> STEPHEN: I FEEL BAD FOR THE
MOOCH BECAUSE THIS JOB WAS EVERYTHING TO HIM. SATURDAY, NEWS BROKE THAT HIS
WIFE FILED FOR DIVORCE WHILE NINE MONTHS PREGNANT AND THAT
HE MISSED HIS SON'S BIRTH TO BE WITH THE PRESIDENT. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
"HEY, WHY WOULD I SHOW UP FOR SOME KID I NEVER MET WHEN I CAN
BE WITH THE MAN WHO'LL STAY LOYAL TO ME FOR THE REST OF
MY… HOLD ON, I'VE GOT ANOTHER CALL. IT'S THE PRESIDENT. HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PROMOTE
ME." THE MOOCH —
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND IT'S IRONIC BECAUSE, RECENTLY, WHICH APPLIES TO
EVERYTHING ABOUT SCARAMUCCI, HE SAID THIS TO THE ENTIRE WHITE
HOUSE STAFF: "YOU WANT TO SELL POSTCARDS TO THE TOURISTS
OUTSIDE THE GATE, OR DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE WEST WING?"
JIMMY, DO WE HAVE A SHOT OF PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE? YEAH, THERE YOU GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH. ( PIANO RIFF )
MM-HMM. I TELL YA, THOUGH, SHOCKING AS
IT IS, AS HARD AS IT'S BEEN ON
SCARAMUCCI, IT'S BEEN HARDER ON ME. THE COLBOOCH. ( LAUGHTER )
I'VE BEEN A HUGE FAN OF THE MOOCH FOR OVER A WEEK NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET RID OF ALL OF MY MOOCH
MEMORABILIA– MY "MOOCH-ENDISE." ( LAUGHTER )
MY MOOCH POSTER. AND MY MOOCH BRAND STABBIN'
KNIFE. FOR FRONTS ONLY! ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) I HAD SUCH PLANS FOR HIM! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE —
WE LITERALLY JUST FINISHED THE CARTOON SCARAMUCCI TODAY. >> HEY, I'M ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI! THERE'S A NEW MOOCH IN TOWN! >> STEPHEN: GET OUT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> EH, SPICEY! WAIT UP!"
>> STEPHEN: BUT, NOW, I GUESS IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE. ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, WE BARELY
KNEW-CHI. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S IT. HE'S GONE. HE'S GONE. WHEN WE FIRST MET SCARAMUCCI, WE
PLAYED THE FUN SECTION OF "BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY." >> ♪ SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE! WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO! >> STEPHEN: NOW WE'VE MOVED ON
TO THE SAD PART. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERING ) ♪ MAMA… I JUST GOT CANNED. BARELY GOT TO THE WHITE HOUSE. ♪ SAID SOME DUMB STUFF, NOW I'M
OUT. ♪ MAMA… MY JOB HAD JUST BEGUN. AND NOW I'VE GONE AND THROWN IT
♪ ALL AWAY. MAMA… MOOOOOOCH. ♪ DIDN'T MEAN TO CAUSE OUTCRY. I WON'T BE BACK TO MOOCH. ♪ THIS TIME TOMORROW, CARRY ON,
CARRY ON, WITHOUT THE OLD FRONTSTABBER ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, HEY! ( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU, JON. >> Jon: HEY! >> Stephen: NO REHEARSAL! ( LAUGHTER )
LAST WEEK, NORTH KOREA CONDUCTED THEIR SECOND LONG RANGE MISSILE
TEST IN FOUR WEEKS. THIS IS A SERIOUS THREAT. BUT DON'T WORRY, THIS MORNING,
THE PRESIDENT HAD WORDS OF REASSURANCE. >> WE'LL HANDLE NORTH KOREA. WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE
THEM. IT'LL BE– IT WILL BE HANDLED. WE HANDLE EVERYTHING. ( LAUGHTER )
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: WE'RE SO SCREWED. ( APPLAUSE )
NORTH KOREA LAUNCHED THE MISSILE ON FRIDAY, AND TRUMP LEAPT INTO
ACTION… 24 HOURS LATER RETALIATING WITH THIS
NUCLEAR-TIPPED TWEET. "I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN
CHINA. OUR FOOLISH PAST LEADERS HAVE
ALLOWED THEM TO MAKE HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR IN
TRADE, YET– DOT, DOT, DOT" ( LAUGHTER )
"DOT, DOT, DOT, THEY DO "NOTHING" FOR US WITH NORTH
KOREA, JUST TALK. WE WILL NO LONGER ALLOW THIS TO
CONTINUE. CHINA COULD EASILY SOLVE THIS
PROBLEM!" OH, YEAH, DEMANDING ANOTHER
COUNTRY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IS CLASSIC LEADERSHIP. IN THE WORDS OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
"A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT STAND. SO WHEN IS CANADA GONNA FIX
SLAVERY ALREADY?" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT HERE'S WHAT MAKES THIS
MISSILE TEST ESPECIALLY SCARY. PREVIOUS NORTH KOREAN MISSILES
HAD THE RANGE TO REACH HAWAII AND ALASKA, BUT THIS NEW MISSILE
HAS "THE RANGE TO HIT CHICAGO." BUT I LIVED IN CHICAGO FOR
YEARS, AND I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING CHICAGOANS WOULD BE
SCARED BY THIS. FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE CUBS WON
THE WORLD SERIES, THEY KNOW THE END IS NEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. THE WORLD'S SEXIEST MAN, MATTHEW
MCCONAUGHEY IS HERE! STICK AROUND.

28 Replies to “A Devastated Stephen Colbert Sings Farewell To The Mooch”

  1. I blame all the baby boomers and older who voted for him and probably also have dementia. Maybe there should be an age limit on how old you can be to vote, similar to how you have to be 18 to vote

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